Monkey See ED Do

The complaint on the board was HIV exposure, a serious concern.  I walk in the room to find a 38 year old woman slightly disheveled with loose clothing and a cage.

I turn to the patient: "Hello my name is Dr. Anonymous I heard from the nurse that you were concerned about HIV exposure.  Can you tell what happened to you recently"

The patient looks up: "Oh it's not me I'm concerned about"

There is some rustling in her coat and I take a step back. 

"Well there better be another person in this room" I said.

She pulls out a monkey.  Not a picture, stuffed animal, or drawing, but an actual monkey.  The patient states that her neighbor has HIV and that the monkey was in the apartment building and bit him.  The patient is concerned that the monkey might have HIV.

I ask a few questions about what changes have you noticed in the monkey when I realized the stupidity of that venture and go back to my attending.  After a deliberation with two HIV PhDs and the center for animal control for our state I find out it is unlikely if not impossible for HIV to go back to our simian counterparts.

I've got a feeling we aren't in Africa anymore

Altered elderly woman who I assume has a septic presentation trying to assess mental status she is from Africa and doesn't speak english her son is translating.

Me: Does she know what year it is
Son: In African: What year is it?
Woman: 2000
Me: Okay can't orient to time. Does she know the city?
Son: In African: Do you know where you are right now?
Woman: The land of the white man
Me: I'll probably have to count that

Coochie Mama and the Man with the Golden Speculum (First)

This blog is about the people that I have encountered in the emergency department.

I am by no means a competent writer but I thought I'd post stuff up here from time to time and maybe someone will like it.


My first week in the emergency department was in July of 2013 in what must have been the summer of love because I seemed to be performing 4-5 pelvic exams a shift.   I'm editing this post from the future because I realize I no longer ask about what had happened but at the time the patient encounters always come with interesting stories.  About how "he's a dog", "I wanted to twerk it", or whatever. 

It was a averagely busy July evening when a 250lb woman came in tearing up about how she was getting "yelled out" by her boyfriend for "popping the pussy with some G".

I remember her eyes were darting around the room like he might show up so I calmed her down I told her we'd do a pelvic and make sure she didn't have any STDs.  I had to see some other sick patients so she was waiting for about half an hour. 

While talking to another patient I hear her in the background on the phone "I'M GETTING FUCKING CHECKED!  I AINT GOT SHIT! JUST WATCH! I'LL BRING THAT PUSSY BACK TO YOU CLEAN!".  One of the nurses said she needed to keep it down.  The woman bursts out of the curtain covered only above her waist and starts slapping her ass dancing in a circle screaming "I NEED TO GET MY COOCHIE CHECKED!!! I NEED TO GET MY COOCHIE CHECKED!!!".   Everyone was process what they were watching unable to do anything before she receded back behind the curtain. 

After that she quieted down.  I went in did my exam and got her out.  I went to present my findings and my senior asked me about my Coochie Mama.  I told him he was right she needed to get it checked because it turned out she had trichomonas (a common STD).  

 After those first 5-6 days my speculum exams quieted down but got the nickname as the man with the golden speculum.